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Sparx_of_Jade_4207
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Name: MT
Birthday: 11/5/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Come on now people... we should all know that I just love having a good time. There's been too many down points that I'll try anything for a piece of pure delight and some cheap amusement. You always gotta be game if you ever want a real taste of life...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
11/25/2004
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| When I heard it was through a voicemail..
a terrible way to find out.
I don't know how I feel. I don't know how to take it.. maybe just accept it?
I'm hurting hun.. hurting so bad and there's no way I can express it.. I can't even seem to let myself cry.. not even in the shower where no one can hear me...
When I heard I quietly hung up the phone.. walked home in the rain.. and put on our CD.. David Grey.. turned up the volume up so loud I couldn't even feel the pain.. and cried to myself on the couch.
I let the music fill up the room the way it used to when we hung out listening to the same cd.. smoking away the time and immersing ourselves in deep soul-searching conversations..
But this time it was without you.. it was just me now sitting on the couch.. I've never felt so alone.
You PROMISED! YOU PROMISED ME!! you swore you were going to be ok again.. that the chemo had worked... that you were coming back again soon and we would rewatch all of Entourage together into the morning like we used to..
You were too young... you were too special...
I'm angry.. I'm lost.. I'm hurt.. I'm missing you..
I keep looking for distractions.. maybe not the healthiest solution.. but it keeps the memories at bay.
It's just not fair..
I know you'll be watching over everyone you left behind.. you were always good like that
Safe passage dear friend. It was all too soon.. but at least we had all those moments together and for that I'm thankful.
I will always remember your laugh.. and smile.. and the big hugs.. Good night for the last time.
R.I.P. Drew Carpenter (Nov. 7, 1986 - April 18, 2009)
Live. Love. Laugh.
>>_::MT::_<<
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| This is highly unusual..
But so necessary.
I feel like I'm on this wild emotional high
I feel everything so vividly.. i feel so alive and yet so indifferent at the same time.
It's starting to feel different.. not quite the same.
And I don't want that to be the case-- I'm scared of that being the case.
Why do things have to pass us by?
How do you always make me feel so guilty..
And I don't even know what for..
There's a giant pink elephant in the room.
So much needs to be said..
Yet I can't even make a sound... Everytime I try.. I choke on my own thoughts.. and I simply nod at you.
We're choking each other equally.
You say I don't understand your struggles..
But have you really even thought about mine?
You are not to be the sheep... but I feel the tables tilt one way..
I just want to be free..
I want to feel all the colors I see.. I want to taste all the life flowing through the wind
I want to be there.. I want to go for it.. I want to swallow it whole and just accept it for what it is.
What are we all really holding out for?
What am I trying to do.. who am I trying to prove all of this to?!
Something needs to be said. I need to say it. But I can't. I won't.
I just want to run about.. and dance.. and never have a care.. I want to be happy... to be just me..
Will you still love me then?
I have so much to offer.. can you see that? I have so much I want to share.. to give..
Yet I feel like there's no where to send it..
We're searching for the no-named. Heroes of another time. How far would you really go?
When would you really realize what you're looking for?
Is it this thing before me.. or is it the beauty ahead..
I'm not ready for the change.. but at the same time I'm completely welcoming it .. I'm yelling for it to come--
I need it to come..
This is a stage of transformation. Chapters are closing. Lessons have been learned.
I yearn for the new... for the unknown.. for the things yet to be discovered.. for feeling the harmony... to be alive and free.
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| Why does life have to be so hard sometimes..
How come when you're already down.. and you're looking for that little bit of sunshine
Rain comes pouring into your face..
When you don't think it could get lower..
Life tramples you down.
I'm just tired...
I don't want to fight or struggle anymore.
I really just want to be...
When will my sunny days be here...
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| I would have to say this was the best week ever..
Phillies celebrations,
World record breaking pinata celebrations..
Presidential celebrations
... and birthday celebrations
Wow.
There are so many people I appreciate.. so many people I can never truly express my gratitude and affection for.
It's because of you that I have been as strong as I am now.
You don't know this.. but sometimes being around you or thinking of you brings me to tears with how lucky I feel.
I always hold it back.. so the tears don't come out... but the feeling is there.
Right now..
I thought of you.. and it made me miss you so much. My eyes burst forth with tears.. and no matter how hard I try I can't stop myself...
This time last year you were here to celebrate with me.. you were here to blow out the candles with me. I guess I'm not completely over with it..
But there's a spot for you that no one could ever fill...
You weren't perfect.. but you were mine. So cheers to a great time together...
As time passes... it feels even more crucial to keep anything related to you.. not because I'm scared of forgetting. That could never happen...
.. I just want to feel close to you again.
>>::_MT_::<<
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| It feels like I'm finally being honest..
and yet I'm too scared to say it.
Everything comes so vividly.. and deep down
When I don't hold myself back.. I know what it all means
But I don't think I'll ever be able to say it..
All it is is Fear.
I just have to get beyond that for the Truth to come out..
But sometimes Fear seems like an impossible enemy to overcome.
>>::_MT_::<<
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