Sparx_of_Jade_4207's Xanga

... you were gone too soon.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 02:38:08 GMT

When I heard it was through a voicemail..
             a terrible way to find out.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know how to take it.. maybe just accept it?
      I'm hurting hun.. hurting so bad and there's no way I can express it.. I can't even seem to let myself cry.. not even in the shower where no one can hear me...

When I heard I quietly hung up the phone.. walked home in the rain.. and put on our CD.. David Grey.. turned up the volume up so loud I couldn't even feel the pain.. and cried to myself on the couch.
         I let the music fill up the room the way it used to when we hung out listening to the same cd.. smoking away the time and immersing ourselves in deep soul-searching conversations..
But this time it was without you.. it was just me now sitting on the couch.. I've never felt so alone.

                 You PROMISED! YOU PROMISED ME!! you swore you were going to be ok again.. that the chemo had worked... that you were coming back again soon and we would rewatch all of Entourage together into the morning like we used to..
   You were too young... you were too special...

I'm angry.. I'm lost.. I'm hurt.. I'm missing you..
       I keep looking for distractions.. maybe not the healthiest solution.. but it keeps the memories at bay.
It's just not fair..
       I know you'll be watching over everyone you left behind.. you were always good like that
Safe passage dear friend. It was all too soon.. but at least we had all those moments together and for that I'm thankful.

I will always remember your laugh.. and smile.. and the big hugs.. Good night for the last time.

R.I.P. Drew Carpenter (Nov. 7, 1986 - April 18, 2009)

                                                            Live. Love. Laugh.
                                                               >>_::MT::_<<

Friday, February 27, 2009

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:01:26 GMT

This is highly unusual..
       But so necessary.

I feel like I'm on this wild emotional high
                              I feel everything so vividly.. i feel so alive and yet so indifferent at the same time.

It's starting to feel different.. not quite the same.
          And I don't want that to be the case-- I'm scared of that being the case.
Why do things have to pass us by?

                How do you always make me feel so guilty..
And I don't even know what for..

There's a giant pink elephant in the room.
            So much needs to be said..
Yet I can't even make a sound... Everytime I try.. I choke on my own thoughts.. and I simply nod at you.

We're choking each other equally.
                    You say I don't understand your struggles..
But have you really even thought about mine?
You are not to be the sheep... but I feel the tables tilt one way..

                    I just want to be free..
I want to feel all the colors I see.. I want to taste all the life flowing through the wind
              I want to be there.. I want to go for it.. I want to swallow it whole and just accept it for what it is.

What are we all really holding out for?
                     What am I trying to do.. who am I trying to prove all of this to?!

Something needs to be said. I need to say it. But I can't. I won't.
                I just want to run about.. and dance.. and never have a care.. I want to be happy... to be just me..

Will you still love me then?
    I have so much to offer.. can you see that? I have so much I want to share.. to give..
                     Yet I feel like there's no where to send it..

We're searching for the no-named. Heroes of another time. How far would you really go?
              When would you really realize what you're looking for?
Is it this thing before me.. or is it the beauty ahead..

I'm not ready for the change.. but at the same time I'm completely welcoming it .. I'm yelling for it to come--
   I need it to come..

             This is a stage of transformation. Chapters are closing. Lessons have been learned.
                                           I yearn for the new... for the unknown.. for the things yet to be discovered.. for feeling the harmony... to be alive and free.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 02:43:34 GMT

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes..

   How come when you're already down.. and you're looking for that little bit of sunshine
Rain comes pouring into your face..
          When you don't think it could get lower..
Life tramples you down.

I'm just tired...
           I don't want to fight or struggle anymore.
I really just want to be...

When will my sunny days be here...

Friday, November 07, 2008

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 00:09:00 GMT

I would have to say this was the best week ever..

          Phillies celebrations,
World record breaking pinata celebrations..
      Presidential celebrations
... and birthday celebrations

Wow.

There are so many people I appreciate.. so many people I can never truly express my gratitude and affection for.
    It's because of you that I have been as strong as I am now.

You don't know this.. but sometimes being around you or thinking of you brings me to tears with how lucky I feel.
                 I always hold it back.. so the tears don't come out... but the feeling is there.

Right now..
                    I thought of you.. and it made me miss you so much. My eyes burst forth with tears.. and no matter how hard I try I can't stop myself...

             This time last year you were here to celebrate with me.. you were here to blow out the candles with me. I guess I'm not completely over with it..
       But there's a spot for you that no one could ever fill...
You weren't perfect.. but you were mine. So cheers to a great time together...

As time passes... it feels even more crucial to keep anything related to you.. not because I'm scared of forgetting. That could never happen...
                      .. I just want to feel close to you again.

                                                >>::_MT_::<<

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 15:04:07 GMT

It feels like I'm finally being honest..
          and yet I'm too scared to say it.

   Everything comes so vividly.. and deep down
When I don't hold myself back.. I know what it all means
            But I don't think I'll ever be able to say it..

All it is is Fear.
     I just have to get beyond that for the Truth to come out..
But sometimes Fear seems like an impossible enemy to overcome.

                                           >>::_MT_::<<

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:55:06 GMT

Sometimes..
         only sometimes when I dare....

I wonder if you can hear me. . I wonder if you remember us..

And sometimes...
           just sometimes when I'm brave...

I'll think of you... and of the memories..
       But it hurts... and so I don't dare to indulge..
With every vision comes a thousand pangs of sorrow.

                                    Give me the strength I need.

We're leaving soon.. leaving it all behind
           And in a way it doesn't feel right. It feels like we're leaving you behind.. everything that you've made for us behind.. all those years behind..
                                     It's strange to start over without you.. and honestly...

I really don't want to. I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!!

                                                        >>::_MT_::<<

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 01:17:46 GMT

I thought the worst of it was through.

       I thought I was strong enough.. that all had been tested.

I had such hope that we were making it back to the top.. to the sunny days
     How dumb am I?

Darkness surrounds us longer.. the worst is yet to come.
        I pray that things will be ok-- I try so hard to be strong.. but what if I just can't be any stronger...

I knew I had to grow up. I knew we would be tested.. But this is torture. I've learned my lessons.. let me go!

And through it all.. she has the the heart to tell me that we still have blessed lives.. better off than others
    I know it's true. Just right now, it's too hard to swallow.

She is the most beautiful of them all.. so strong and she doesn't even know it.
         The biggest heart of anyone out there.. and yet it is her heart that is her weakness.

Please pray for us, for in these upcoming days.. our lives with starkly change.

                                                 >>::_MT_::<<

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:05:53 GMT

I don't want to lead you astray..
     And yet another part of me wants to push you in that direction..

I'm not sure what to do.. how to put it to you
       Truth comes out in funny ways.

I love you dearly.. always will.. always there to encourage you-- to push you forward
   But even now I don't know how to guide you.
Maybe I'm not the right one.. but you tell me I am
         So I must play my part.

I just want you to Understand!

       It's that I don't want you to feel you're always second best.. that you're gettin the hand-me-downs.
If it were up to me this would never be the case.

                I just want to hold you.. to tell you things will be alright.
Yet I can't and it kills me right now.

It's a choice you need to ultimately make for yourself-- but for some reason you want to use my voice.
         Part of me wants to fight this war for you.. and the other part just wants to let it go.

Just know.. The situation isn't fair.. but I will always stand behind you.. ready to catch you if you fall.

   I'd do anything to make you feel better right now.

                                                >>::_MT_::<<

Monday, April 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:07:57 GMT

Hate me today.

           But love me tomorrow.

I do what feels right for now. because right now.. honestly, I can't seem to even get past the present.

I feel better after having talked to you.
          I know it's odd to say that I didn't know I could.. a part of me told me that I shouldn't.
But .. a small part of me told me it was ok
        -- and.. it was.

Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for silently letting me know that you would always be there.
           I know it's something I need to deal with on my own.

But just knowing that there was faith behind me -- it makes it a little more bearable.

I want to be the invincible soldier... --
   But at the right angle.. I'm scared people will see my plastic sword and shield..

                                                            >>::_MT_::<<

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 00:57:26 GMT

The room sits still.

the Lamp gives off the sweetest of glows.

The smoke twirls about in this discrete seductive dance.
    wrapped about in a sea of blankets..

As the melodies play out
     All I can do is try to calm my mind

But thoughts just swirl about.

It seems the world is shrinking.. slipping through my grasp--
Things that seemed so sure, so certain I was! -- are fading off.

So ready am I to go forward.. to just trust
   And yet.. I don't know if I can really let go of the hand that's helped me along.

But a Real Lady-- Does as she wants. No questions asked. She is polite, yet all together forceful.

As I entertain my thoughts I wonder why you faded away. Was it me.. or you? Or maybe neither-- we'll just always claim it was situational.. makes it easier to accept. Farewell good friend.. until we meet again in that awkward moment at a bookstore or mall or restaurant where we'll play the polite fanfare.. throw about the hugs and kisses and exclamations. And as I walk away from it.. deep down I'll know it hurt. I'll think back to the glory days-- how we thought we would be there for each other forever, how the world was wrong about what we had.. But all too soon reality set in. And as the world slowly closes in again, engulfing us into separate realms...
I'll know that we'll always have those glory days to connect us -- but in the end that is all it was.

I blame different issues on different things I did in the past.
   But when I thought about given the chance to do it over
I realized--

                    I wouldn't change a thing.

I am who I am because of it...
     And I have never loved and accepted myself more than now.

It's hard to turn feelings of defeat into a force for triumph. But I'm trying my best.

      You keep telling yourself that there's still so much time.. there's so much that could happen, that you could do, that could change..
But you can never get that little voice out of your head that tells you your time is drawing to an end...your chance.. your moment.. your change.. time will never be your friend no matter how much you try to cherish it. That which needs to be done, decided, acted upon.. -- must be done now before time is out..

And talking to you the other day -- it made me realize that things were closing in much faster than I had previously anticipated. I mean I knew it was inevitable.. I knew against all odds it would happen
    I guess I just didn't want to believe it anymore.. I was the one trying to hide from the grasp of time.

                                                           Live. Love. Laugh.

                                                              >>::_MT_::<<